Learning to Love Motherhood

So I've been doing a lot of learning the past few week. Here's a little rundown of how it's gone.

Dean, from the time he was born, has been a pretty good sleeper. He never woke up more than twice during the night. I would normally put him down between 9 and 10. He would wake up twice during the night to nurse (say 2 and 5 ish), would fall immediately back to sleep, and would finally really wake up for the day around 8 or 9 am. Awesome. Then, the night before we went to Utah, he slept from 10 to 4:30. 6 1/2 hours! That was his longest stretch yet. And he did it again. He got to the point where multiple times he just woke up between 3:30 and 4:30 and then would sleep again until 8. Even more awesome! Then, about a week ago, he had a few bad days in a row. Now, he would have a bad night on occasion before, but not consistently.

So I decided to break my "I will not read a book" plan. One of Trevor's coworkers had given us some of her old baby stuff, one of which was a book called The Baby Whisperer. So I read it. It follows the same basic routine I was trying to do (eat, awake time, sleep) so I thought I would just follow the routing in there. I decided to be a little more strict with the routine and really try for three hours in between feedings, really learn his tired cues, get him to bed earlier, etc., etc. Only here's what happened.

I became obsessed with the routine. I was trying so hard to decipher whether something was a cue he was sleepy or not and trying to put him down at the exact right moment and allowing him to fall asleep himself. I was agonizing every time I heard a noise about whether I should go in to calm him or if he would go back to sleep on his own. I stressed myself out to the point that even when Dean did sleep at night, I couldn't because I was paranoid about when he was going to wake up. At night time, I think I was trying to push a 7:30 bedtime so hard he wasn't actually tired, so he just fussed and fussed and wouldn't stay asleep and I was stressed and no one was happy.

On Monday, I realized that in the midst of this, I wasn't enjoying Dean. I wasn't really being with him and playing with him. I was analyzing him. Now, I think it is super important to learn his cues so that I can know what he wants and be the best mother to him. I am glad that I read the book because it did give me some great ideas, especially for getting him down at nap time. And I am trying to pay more attention. But I can't let studying my son get in the way of me loving and nurturing my son.

Then he had a horrible night Monday night and I got no sleep and I was so stressed and I called my mom in tears. She assured me that it's normal to just want to cry. She said, "There are some days you don't think you'll be able to take one more step. But somehow you do. There are days you think to yourself, 'I want out of this. But I can't get out of it. I have to do it, but I don't feel like I can,' and that's normal, too. Do what you can. If the dishes sit in the sink for three days, in the end, it will look just as good as if you had cleaned them the first day. Being this exhausted is the hardest thing you'll ever do. But somehow you'll do it. And it will get better."

After I talked to my mom, I took a little "lie down" (I won't say nap because I didn't sleep) and then read some things on lds.org about motherhood. I felt much better, that somehow I really would make it through the day. I need to keep my relationship with God first in my life, that's for sure. Seeking the Spirit was the best comfort.

I had some good moments during the day. And Dean did pretty good. Until evening time when I tried to put him down and he just wouldn't do it and I thought, "I can't do this again tonight." I actually went and laid down for a bit while Trevor watched Dean. In the end, you know what happened? He didn't fall asleep until 9:30, which is when he had been going down before. And he slept until 12:45 and then again until 4:30 and again until 8.

So basically, I've learned that there isn't one right way. I hadn't found being a mom very hard or exhausting until this point. But now I feel it. I got a dose of "motherhood is really hard." And it's true. It is hard. Really hard. So I can't make it harder on myself than it already is. Dishes can slack. Cleaning can slack. Scriptures and prayer CANNOT slack. Enjoy the good moments, because there are a lot of them. Pray for patience to get through the bad ones. This may be the hardest blessing in my life, but it's also the greatest (after Trevor who is the most supportive husband I could imagine).